1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.


2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make a mental note to do more sit-ups.


4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.


5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo, with 43 added vitamins.


6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.


7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave in hair for 15 minutes.


8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.


9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.


10. Rinse conditioner out of hair.


11. Shave armpits and legs.


12. Turn off shower.


13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.


14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.


15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.


16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.


17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.


2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her, making the 'woo-woo' sound.


3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.


4. Get in the shower.


5. Wash your face.


6. Wash your armpits.


7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.


8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.


9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.


10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.


11. Shampoo your hair.


12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.


13. Pee.


14. Rinse off and get out of shower.


15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.


16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.


17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.


18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her, make the 'woo-woo' sound again, and pop her with your towel.


19. Throw wet towel on bed.

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

WEATHER BULLETIN

Up here in the Northern Plains we just recovered from a Historic event --- may I even say a "Weather Event" of "Biblical Proportions" --- with a historic blizzard of up to 24" inches of snow and winds to 50 MPH that broke trees in half, stranded hundreds of motorists in lethal snow banks, closed all roads, isolated scores of communities and cut power to 10's of thousands.

George Bush did not come....
FEMA staged nothing....
No one howled for the government...
No one even uttered an expletive on TV...
Nobody demanded $2,000 debit cards.....
No one asked for a FEMA Trailer House....
No news anchors moved in.

We just melted snow for water, sent out caravans to pluck people out of snow engulfed cars, fired up wood stoves, broke out coal oil lanterns or Aladdin lamps and put on an extra layer of clothes.

Even though a Category "5" blizzard of this scale has never fallen this early...we know it can happen and how to deal with it ourselves.

Everybody is fine.